Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 198

I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.

I took Duke to the vet ’cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, “Isn’t that unusual?” and he says, “No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it’ll make him stop.” I said, “What’s it do?” He says, “It makes his turds taste bad.”<br /> “I’m sorry, Doc, did you just say ‘it will make his turds taste bad’?” Let me tell you something, if you’ve stooped to eating turds, you’ve never uttered the phrase, “Oh my God! This is nasty!”

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."

And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We’re really close too, all ten of us.

I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two.

People who annoy people are the luckiest people in the world.

I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.

Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know this?

I do have to fly a lot. It's difficult for me, but I'm not angry about it. But I did see on the menu in Logan Airport, Boston, “Potato salad in season.”