Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 198
The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.
White people think they can just do what the fuck they want to do all the time!
The emotions of men, however, were of a different order. They were pesky annoyances, small dust devils at her feet. Her knack for causing heartbreak was innate, but her vitality often made people forgive her romantic misdeeds.
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.