Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 198
I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my cock in my hand.
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.
We need to try to work out something so folks can be there. We're going to try to find some solution so we don't have to keep repeating ourselves during the regular meeting. I think it is a board issue, but we're just going to try to make some suggestions. We would be open to doing the meetings at a different time.
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.
Munch is the guy who says what a lot of people wouldn't dare say.