Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 196
I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that its not the answer.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
This needs to be said: there never was a war. "How can you say that, Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you can see, right there, there never was a war...
It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
People have romantic notions about television. In the highest realms they think it's some sort of art medium, and it's not. Others think it's an entertainment medium, it's not that either. It's an advertising medium. It's a method to deliver advertising like a cigarette is a method to deliver nicotine.
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
Why is there a Bible in the Courtroom? Isn't that why we're here in the first place? Somebody is lying.
Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?