Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 196
Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.
Amelia Earhart, who said, "Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage!" Never got a dinner!
What is wrong with me I just bought a bag of weed from an infant.
The whole idea of doing the Hollywood thing never even occurred to me. When you grow up on the East coast, Hollywood seems like this fantasy land and you don't think that people can actually make a living there.
I think Chappelle set the bar when he came out with his show. To be as great as him or greater you have to push it a little further - as long as there's substance in terms of the material.
I want to be a little more dramatic nowadays. I definitely want something big and funny, but I look for things that can just have people see me in a different light and let me mature as both an entertainer and an actor and a comedian.
Twitter and Facebook and MySpace; all that stuff makes you warped. We've all basically given ourselves data entry jobs. I've actually heard people say things like, “Aw shit, I have to update my Twitter.” Really? You have to? That's a big priority for you?
I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I remember on Thanksgiving all the kids wanted the drumstick. There were four of us then. Well, today you can go into the supermarket and get 12 drumsticks. Years ago you couldn't do that. So I was sucking on the neck for two years. My mother told me it was the leg, and I believed it. I went to my father and said, "Why is my leg always cockeyed?" He said, "The bird has arthritis."