Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 196

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a corporation, you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you're a moocher?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

It’s better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

The whole motivation for any performer is "Look at me, Ma".

I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.

I'm gonna come home with, like, five fake earrings on and be like, 'Mom, today I joined five gangs.' 'Huh! You also five times gay! Get out of house, fruit loop.'

Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

People do give me a hard time about my hair because it's orange and it's big.

To women, we are like big dogs that talk.

Who ever heard of flight 5050? It's always flight 102, flight 216. 5050? They're telling you before you leave the gate - 50/50. Now go out there on runway 13 and give it your best shot.

You might be a redneck if... you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.