Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 250

You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.

Sometimes if a woman has a really nice butt she'll wear tight pants. And then everyone looks at her butt when she walks by. That's nice, but it seems like a waste. Everybody's looking there, I feel like we should put important information on the butt. We should put the photos of missing children right on there.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.