Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 249
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.
Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing.
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
You tell your guy friends you got engaged, it's like hearing someone died. 'What happened man? Wow. He was so young, man. What happened? He had his whole life ahead of him. Wow, I just saw him yesterday.'
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.