Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'

You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.