Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.