Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 291
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by "This Bud is for you."
Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."