Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 291
Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.
All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.
I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.
'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.
I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.
I'll get God his money when I see him. And if he asked me why I was holding onto it, I say, 'Well, there's a lot of false prophets on Earth. I didn't know who to give your money to, and I didn't want to give it to the wrong person and still owe you when I got up here. Ain't no sense in paying if I didn't make the list, 'cause I'm gonna need that money for cold water and an air conditioner.'
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"