Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 290

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.

I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.

I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.

I used to be a folk singer, but er I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

hy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

This town has lost a lot of business. I've had a lot of people tell me they`re tired of driving to Bonner Springs.

It's a simple and an effective way of getting everyone on the same page, prepared and paying attention to the gag. People just get into that frame of mind of you doing impressions. It can take a minute or two for an audience to catch on when you aren't doing one.

Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

People who are homeless, they're not all addicts. A lot of times, they're just people who, through something like losing their job or losing someone in their life, ended up on the streets. So much of our time is spent in cars that sometimes you need to look out of those windows. And you see that a dollar, 50 cents, whatever you have, may not mean much to you, but it means everything to people who are hungry and who are in need.

All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?

Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.

The human spirit is more powerful than any drug and that is what needs to be nourished with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.