Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 292
We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!
My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.
Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Isn't that a three-way?
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.
Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.
There, there's your skin-flap. That piece that looks like my ass caught fire and somebody put it out with an old t-shirt is yours.