Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 292
You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.
All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.
If you ask your congressman why, he'll say Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie. You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!
President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.
For me, anything goes when I pick up a mike. I'm not trying to hurt people - I try not to get too personal - but I look at myself as a reporter. If you can report on anything that has to do with pop culture, then why can't I make jokes about it? Yes, it hurts. But I figure that laughter sometimes starts from pain. You might wince, but then I know that I'm doing my job. The only thing I can do wrong is not be funny.
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
It means everything. You don't want to go through your four years of high school with a certain team beating you four years in a row. You always want to show them you can come out on top in the end.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.
I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.
I did all those other jobs very poorly and half-heartedly really just to pay the bills while I went after this comedy dream.