Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 33

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.

I think that's why they have so many religious freaks in the airports, they even keep the flowers behind the counter 'Go, go my children... be fruitful and annoy.'

When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.

I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, ‘cause it’s not. There’s only two ways for that game to end, either "This sucks let’s do something else," or "Owww, you hit me with the horseshoe."

England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.

I hate bigots so much it makes me one.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

Don't hoo, hoo, hoo me. There's a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

Initially, he was a little apprehensive. I think now he's a lot more relaxed. He's like a duck to water, though he can play anywhere.