Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 34
My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.
You all have that friend who's quitting it. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I quit meat, and I feel great. I get up in at six in the morning and have a nice big bowl of oat bran. Then I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours. I eat another bowl of oat bran and go back into the bathroom for six more hours. All I do is eat and shit, I'm gonna live forever! My colon's the strongest muscle in my body right now. I could pass Elvis through my colon!
Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
Initially, he was a little apprehensive. I think now he's a lot more relaxed. He's like a duck to water, though he can play anywhere.
A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.
Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.
For a day and a half, the National Guard was here, and they didn't go to work. Do you remember why? No bullets. I found it really hard to believe that that was the same crackerjack unit that Dan Quayle once belonged to.
My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.
The money can be a hindrance to someone like me because the danger is that you start thinking, "Is that a $20 million take?" That kind of thing, and being self-critical.
I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off.