Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 34
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.
Initially, he was a little apprehensive. I think now he's a lot more relaxed. He's like a duck to water, though he can play anywhere.
A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.
Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.
My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.
For a day and a half, the National Guard was here, and they didn't go to work. Do you remember why? No bullets. I found it really hard to believe that that was the same crackerjack unit that Dan Quayle once belonged to.
The money can be a hindrance to someone like me because the danger is that you start thinking, "Is that a $20 million take?" That kind of thing, and being self-critical.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press 2 for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed 2 enough."
Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.