Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 330
Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.
If you choose jail over church, you either really hate God or you really love butt rape.
With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.
I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. "I don’t want tacos! Maybe."
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
Jerry Weintraub, the producer, might be a pain in the ass, but he really knows how to treat his actors.
I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
A doctor was telling me a lot of people aren't getting their kids circumcised. How many people aren't doing it? I'm not looking to be a trendsetter when it comes to my kid's penis. I don't want my kid to be the only guy in the locker room with a schlong that looks like it's about to rob a bank.