Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 330
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.
Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.
You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'
I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing.
Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.
Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.
"Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's coming out. It comes with a turnip and a spork." "I was wishing you had one of them left; wishing upon a star."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.