Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 331
I know a husband whose neighbour boasted, “I got a cute little red sports car for my wife yesterday.” “Gosh,” sighed my friend, “I wish I could make a trade like that.”
When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.
The good old days; it was good because they were young but they act like it was the day. No, youth is good. That's gone. You're fucked.
I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.
Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!"
Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.
I hate the term 'partner.' 'Yes, we're partners... This is my life partner, Teddy.' Jacoby & Meyers are partners. Ben & Jerry are partners. Bausch + Lomb are partners. You and Teddy are fuck-buddies.
A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.