Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 329
My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
She goes how come I always catch you looking at slutty looking girls with big boobs. And I go, are you serious? Why? Um. That girl was wearing pink, and pink draws the eye. That's basic optometry hun, I'm surprised you didn't know that.
?As a nigga, we are not prepared to turn down a free god damn drink. We don't give a fuck what it is like 'this is unleaded!? that's spicy than a mothafucka, nigga I like that!
Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
You used to be looking good from afar. Now you just far from looking good!
This year, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Airforce Thunderbirds. They called me out of the blue, and said "How would you like to fly with us?" And I'm like "You got the right number?" "Yeah, Bill Engvall, you stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." And I'm like "I'd be an honor to fly iwth 'ya." "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I went "Well, I'm screwed."
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22-year-old Vietnam veteran. I was like, 'Here's a buck. Yeah, I know man, Da Nang was whack.'
Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.
I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.