Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 329
What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both see it happen and you go "Ooooh" you're thinkin' "Woops I got him!" He's thinking "Woops he got me!" But no one says anything. Because it's a secret. If his spit lands on me I don't do anything, I don't wipe it straight away, because I don't wanna embarass them. Hey, I've got his spit on my face and I'm worried about his feelings. You go "Sorry Carl" and I go "Nah, nah it's alright, I love being spat on."
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
You used to be looking good from afar. Now you just far from looking good!
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.
Oh aye... my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, "Have ye had enough?" Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? "Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question?"