Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 356

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.

Let’s say a guy walks up wearing the goofiest shoes you’ve ever seen. Crocs maybe.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Imagine going in knowing that no Mexican American before you had ever succeeded in a lead role.

You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

Humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin: the chimpanzee. We cannot impregnate a chimp. So you know what that means? No condoms.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.