Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 357
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There’s no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.'
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
I don't think Hollywood was trying to do anything with me. In fact, they lost interest pretty quick. I think I got lucky, briefly, in the '90s, and it just so happened that those movies were the opportunities that came my way. Then it just kind of stopped.
There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
Ladies, you want your dishes done? Talk to your husband as if you were his male roommate. Come home from work and go “Hey, do the dishes dick!” and walk away.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
That's a good time to sneak, four in the morning, 'cause anyone you run into, they're sneaking too.
In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.
Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.