Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 355
Have you ever done those Coca-Cola burps that come out of your nose and eyeballs? You think a burp looks bad! Someone's just thinking "Shit what's wrong with his head."
One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin' a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry." Here's your sign.
It eventually appeared to be me, cinematically. When I was writing it I was actually an author, you know, writing a book. ... But there certainly is a difference in energy between a younger man and an older man.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.
I can't remember the last live-action, non-animated Christmas movie.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
Any issues my parents went through are very prominent in the movie, even though they enjoyed a happy relationship. The story actually started for me when my mom told me a few years ago that because she got a job, she never made it to the World's Fair in New York, and that's a missed opportunity that always stayed with her.
Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.