Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 428
I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.
It's the same thing every week - every week. What do you think's going to happen? Oh, that guy's got a unibrow. You think they're going to talk about that? He's got cinder block bookshelves. You think that's going to come up?
You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.
Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
Ultimately, it's the best decision I've ever made in my life. There's an economy of energy that you have in your life. You just have to devote it to things that are good for you, for the most part, that's more constructive than drinking. And one of them doesn't end in uncontrollable vomiting and crying...