Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 428
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.
I think my one of my strengths in standup is my ability to adlib. I do all my best writing on stage. I can sit down and write jokes, but I'd rather go on stage with a premise or an idea and let the jokes come that way. My creative juices are never flowing any better than when I'm onstage.
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.
You can't touch the strippers. Why are you paying to not touch someone? That is weird. How do you win in that situation? That is like walking into a deli, starving, and being like, 'Here's $300 - can I stare at the roast beef? Better yet, I'll sit down in this chair and you can mash it around my mouth and balls.'
A “Nerd” is someone who homes in on a topic to an almost quantum detail, much of the time at the expense of healthy social interaction.
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.