Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 429
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist." "Your dad?" "Yup." "Not your mum?" "No... Dad would have never allowed that."
I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly. Crap must have been the worse word available when that game was invented. If they invented it today, they’d have to call it “motherfucker.”
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I'd be like, 'Lady, get the hell away from me! You're old, you're gross... I'm sorry. I'm sure you were unbelievable back in the 20's, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you're at least four decades past humpable. I'm sorry.'
If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.
I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it.
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.
You don't want to go down to Alabama. It's primitive. Don't take your phone down there - ain't no AT&T, ain't no Sprint. They call each other the old fashioned way: they use pigeons.