Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 429
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
I used to always run off at the mouth and talk about people. I just didn't know that it would make a living for me.
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."
I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things.
There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!