Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 427
I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.
There are so few women in general who aren't completely threatened and confused by other women's success. It's very disappointing.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.
What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."
Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?
When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.