Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 427
I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.
Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"
When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.
Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.
I think my one of my strengths in standup is my ability to adlib. I do all my best writing on stage. I can sit down and write jokes, but I'd rather go on stage with a premise or an idea and let the jokes come that way. My creative juices are never flowing any better than when I'm onstage.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
There's not many a man who would get shot and then come visit the family responsible.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.