Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 447
No one cares, no one sympathsizes, you just stay home and play synthisizers.
John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.
Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.
Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, "Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60." I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.
Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with Jay Leno. I don’t have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.
I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.
But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: 'Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'
I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.
Hosting the Emmys is a challenge for me. I guess it's the equivalent of someone who needs to climb a mountain or jump out of a plane. It's that kind of thing, where this could go terribly wrong. And I love the feeling of when it goes right.