Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 446
You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't.
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of "Full House" was, I always tell them: it was the last one!
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to usher the program through its early stages of growth. For 10 years I have approached my responsibilities with pride and with passion. It has been a tremendous experience to work with our amazing student-athletes.
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!
I wanted to do something different, but it`s a weird transition you`re making here. You`re trying to get the audience to come with you.