Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 448

Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do … is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, "Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!"

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.

No one cares, no one sympathsizes, you just stay home and play synthisizers.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, "Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60." I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.

My father was a rabbi and had a little synagogue in Canada, so I'm from Canada. I left there at 16.

Here's the rule that I set for myself, and I believe it - even on a show like 'Curb Your Enthusiasm': the more personal you are, the wider your audience.

I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.

People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.