Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 50
Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.
I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. "There’s no God!" "There might be!"
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.
Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
Comedy rules! Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, and there are no rules in stand-up comedy, which I really like. You can do anything you want and you can say anything that comes to mind, just so long as it's funny. If you ain't funny then get the fuck off the stage, it`s that simple.
You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.