Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 51

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!

Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.

My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

Sorry, I had told Craig and them I'm gon' kick it with them. Gotta go! See you when I see you!

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it’s like... "What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine."

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.