Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 55
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.
The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.
The Virgin Mary... We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.
I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.
I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose - he was a tricky little fucker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.
This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.
When you first get married, you have a relationship that's so important to you, and you're working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, "Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her." And you look at your spouse and go, "Who the fuck are you? You're a stranger."
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. You know they're sitting there going "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight.. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight.. Thank you angel wearing jeans!"
Here's a little what it was like for me growing up in Atlanta... They had this ill-fated thing called 'Light Up Atlanta'. So, I'm standing in line... I tap the guy in front of me and say, "Uh, excuse me, can you tell me if this is the line for the beer, or the line to get the tickets to get the beer.' 'I dunno, faggot.' I don't know, faggot? What? What did I do? Was it because I was sucking his cock at the time?