Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 550
Before everyone screams for me to get over myself, let me say that it’s no use. I never will.
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?
All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake’s career.
Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues.
There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.
Whats that star? It's the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.
Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
I’m not trying to brag or make you feel small, but I have a cell phone. Let me explain what that is. You know like if you had a phone in your house, except there’s no ropes attached to it.
Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.
At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.