Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 550
I want to see gay couples stuck with their significant other at Home Depot with that far away look in their eye, get me out of here.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.
I grew up watching Letterman, 'Seinfeld,' 'SNL,' and Monty Python movies. But nothing made me want to get into comedy more than when 'Mr. Show' started airing.
I like "Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory" because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like "Dawn of the dead" because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads. I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.
I started writing this feature comedy in New York - a Chris Farley vehicle. The script was decent. When I got to LA, I met some new friends in film school and had them read my script and give me notes.
I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
I went out with a guy the other night. He ordered a salad. I’m sorry, if you ordered a salad as an appetizer, your main course is a cock.
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
So, what are you in for? Manslaughter! I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!