Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 551

The course of true golf never did run smooth.

I don't remember ordering the Christian sandwich...

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.

I didn't belong when I was in high school. Now people are trying to buy lips.

Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.