Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 551

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.

I was very driven as a boy scout. Very driven. Driven everywhere I was.

Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.

Like with Parks and Recreation, it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had.

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.

He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

If you make waffles, throw out the first one.

Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.

It's hip to be square. Remember that shitty song by that shitty band 20 motherfucking years ago?