Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 549
What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.
Tori is a teenage girl studying drama, which is kinda like a Mexican taking Spanish.
"I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"
The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, "Where the hell are the paper cups?" Never got a dinner!
Some people say that Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.
My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!
Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.
You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.