Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 549
P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.
The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline.
We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
I chose Journalism by default. I always loved TV, and I had no idea what else to do, so I studied what interested me.
There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.
I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.