Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 558
What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, 'Here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy.' If I was to do a 'here's what's waiting for you at home' photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all.
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!