Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 557
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
Well, there's no credible link between Iraq and al Qaeda. There's no credible link between Iraq and 9/11.
A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew.
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
People kill me about being a big guy. They always asking me dumb questions… Every time I breathe in, they’re like, “Why you breathing so hard?’ “So I can live!”
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
Here’s how to make your man like you and desire what you want, which is love. Equate how you feel about your vagina to how we feel about our time and our space… I can’t fuck you against your will, you gotta desire to want to fuck me. If I fuck you against your will, that’s rape. <br /> Now if I’m on the phone and I say, “Look I got to go.” And you say, “Why you gotta go? I want to talk to you some more.” You are raping my time. You are taking something from me. No means no, bitch. I said I got to go. Why are you forcing me to stay on the phone and talk to you about nothing.
In March I had a minor heart attack while I was vacationing in Australia. it scared me, but it was nothing compared to what someone had in store for me down the road.