Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 605
We want to be seen as more than just martial artists, or bad stereotype token roles in American TV and movies.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.
There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.