Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 605
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"
Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."