Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 604

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's."

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.

You've got to keep moving, keep creating.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm..." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!

If Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug.

Culture shock at barber shops cause I ain't hood enough.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.

It's so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I'm a real defensive person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you were something to eat.