Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 604

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he’d just pee on it.

You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.

It's so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I'm a real defensive person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you were something to eat.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

My career is just kind of crazy.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

You can't just yell jokes at people.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.