Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 606

My dad’s a gun collector… He tells me all of them for protection. Then he told me one of them shoots 400 yards. I don’t know a lot about the laws of self defense, but you’re gonna need a good lawyer if you pick someone off a quarter mile away from you.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

But there's times when I like to find the strange angles to something. People go, 'I heard a lot of jokes like that, but that's one of the most interesting takes I heard.' That's what I try to do.

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible... I don't want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

When I first got to St. Louis, I saw the arch and I said, ‘I want to go to that McDonalds.'

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My career is just kind of crazy.

I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.