Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 606
Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."
I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.
Being black and speaking properly are not mutually exclusive. My father was an African, and he spoke beautifully at home. Nelson Mandela speaks beautifully. Should Mandela put his hat on backwards and say, 'Yo, homey, this is Nelson. Yo, Winnie, yo, this is def'?
The whole world is tense. Everybody gets the international news. There's been no American comedy at all that even remotely addresses the subject in any way. My goal isn't to solve the world's problems. My character wasn't even able to do his assignment. But the premise of wanting to find out about somebody - other than the stuff that the CIA will tell you - there's no hope unless we do that.
According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.
People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.