Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 629

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'

I checked in to a hotel the other day and the woman behind the corner said to me, “Do you have a floor preference?” I go, “Yeah, I would like a floor.” Apparently, they can just suspend you from the ceiling now.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.