Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 629
There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder".
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.
The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"
I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.
Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won't be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it.
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.