Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 629

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today...

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.