Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 630
The one thing you don’t want to be is a sucky clean comic. I hate sucky clean comics! It’s like Christian rock, bro. I’d rather listen to gospel and Christian rock. That’s cheating!
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.
I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it's always late.
Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
I am always hoping to do another CD. This atmosphere has been difficult.
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.