Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 630
Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.
I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.
Apparently, the most popular role play fantasy is the nurse fantasy. If I was going to do the nurse fantasy for my man, I would just make him wait in the living room for an hour and read Highlights magazine before rejecting his health insurance.
I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.
I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"
Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.
Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.
Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?
I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.