Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 630
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.
One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Was at Royal Wedding but didn't go inside. Had same hat as Fergie's daughter.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, “OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.”
It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets. He was a tweeter and, er, one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er, The past tense of tweet. One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house. And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.
I have spent my life paying attention to my art form, developing my art form, worrying about my show and what I'm bringing to people, making sure that I give them a fine trade.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...