Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 634

I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the car pool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

You must study their deliveries, their use of their bodies, their timing, and their use of audio and vocal effects.

Why do you always give me jobs you know I'm going to fail at?

Are you possessed... by a twat?

In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.