Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 634

I saw the head of NOW - National Organization of Women - saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.

You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?

They're going to ask those questions.

I have always tried to use humour to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

Haters are my motivators.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.