Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 634

What are imitation rhinestones?

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

Inside there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale. Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box. I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'

I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. "Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it."

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, "Gee, I've got something here."