Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

When I first got to St. Louis, I saw the arch and I said, ‘I want to go to that McDonalds.'

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

We can't agree on religion and guns and economics and sadly civil rights but if the wealthy won't chip in for the needy we are done.

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.