Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633

18,873 quotes

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

One thing that teenage girls do a lot that I think is funny is when they go “One thing about me” and then they’ll say something about them that’s some weird thing about them at all. <br /> Like, “One thing about me is that you do not talk crap about my parents.” I’m like, “Really, ‘cause I love it. That’s weird that that’s your thing.”<br /> “One thing about me is that when I’m thirsty I drink water.” <br /> I’m like, “Really, whenever I’m thirsty I dip my balls in my lucky coffee pot.”

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!