Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same state as each other!

Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "I can't wait for summer" and "Fuck this shit"?

You know what the average person is? Average.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

If you are wondering if a guinea pig is the right pet for you, find an old shoe, put it in a cage, then teach it how to shit. In love yet?