Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 635
I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…
The thing about stand-up was, I was doing all this sketch and YouTube stuff where I was not being censored and I got to do my own thing, and it was really cool.
One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.
When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.
Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, "Guess who’s not coming to dinner?" Never got a dinner!
I love Oprah but she thinks she’s Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she’s like, “Oh, Stigmata.”<br /> “No, Oprah, it’s not stigmata.”<br /> “But, I…”<br /> “Get off the cross and do your show.”
Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? Ever. There's no reciprocity.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.