Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 637

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.

I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.

I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”

A lot of comedians are selfish.

Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.

Being extraordinary is hard. It takes work, and pain, and a good mom, and a good dad, and a good pair of shoes, and I cant do it. It's not in me. Ordinary is all I got. Cheers.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

I've never been disappointed, because I've never given somebody I liked that much power.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.