Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 636
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
Inside there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale. Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box. I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.
I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. "Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it."
We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, "Gee, I've got something here."
I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'
I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.