Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 636
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...
You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?