Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 638
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
She was so helpful and so sweet and so giving. I call it the food-poisoning effect. Everybody knows where they got food poisoning. We take that first bite and there's kind of an awful taste or a bad smell. You knew it was a little off, but you just kept going.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.
I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.