Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 638

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

When you're 18, you meet somebody, and 15 seconds later, you're like, 'I love you... I love you! Is that your roommate? She's hot.'

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.