Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 638
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?
Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.
You can’t always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you’ve just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn’t work, I’ve got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it’s important to have backup.