Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 657

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

I pull up at the Christmas tree shop and I walk up and the guy says "hey you here to buy a tree?" "Nope, My son had to go to the bathroom and these trees looked mighty inviting." Here's your sign!

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over.

Comedy is not pretty.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.

Any female teachers watching the show tonight, you've got to quit dating the students. That's the least we expect out of you. When I was 14 years old, my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.

I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!