Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 658
It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."
I met a girl a couple of weeks ago. She gonna tell me, “If you want to get acquainted with me and my son, you’ll have to take him to Disneyland.” Ain’t that a bitch? <br /> I went to pick her up the next day and here she got four more kids. I said, “Who kids are them?”<br /> She said, “Them Bebe’s Kids.”<br /> I said, “And where the fuck is Bebe?”<br /> She said, “Bebe went downtown.”<br /> I said, “Why didn’t she take her kids with her?”
In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.
Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.