Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 658

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

I could have been in a sorority. Yes, I could. I could so. But they would not let me in because I already had a personality of my own.

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"