Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 656

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”

I went out with a guy the other night. He ordered a salad. I’m sorry, if you ordered a salad as an appetizer, your main course is a cock.

Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.

I feel like the American people are being lied to and manipulated. President Bush is trying to force 9/11 and Saddam together.

I do situations and make fun of authority and life.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

Postpartum depression? More like bitches being bitches.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.