Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 656

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.