Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 680
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time...
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!
If I could go back and talk to the "me" who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That’s a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it’s really not.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.