Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 680
Any boob can run a day-care centre but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're going to be from now on, a family.
I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.
A dry vagina is an impotent vagina… you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself!
Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: they're spitting cobras, you moron!
Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.
Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
No parent must ever say, "Get the kids out of here, I'm trying to watch TV." The father who does start saying this is likely to see one of his children on the 6:00 news.
Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
I was told maybe nine years ago by an executive who was working for a major network that the networks from now on are going to be entertaining 13-year-old people, and that's what you see today.
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
I didn't see it coming, ... But Comedy Central wanted to do it and will air all 13 shows that we did. That's why I'm going out on this tour. If the show wasn't picked up, I would probably be flying off to a sporting event or something in October. I wanted to take a couple of years off, but that will have to wait because of the show and the tour.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."