Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 680

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

As long as you are a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my house.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

I like definitive things.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Oh, shit... somebody fucked you up real bad. I'll tell you what... I'm gonna go now, cuz I think you want to sit there, by yourself, and think about who you pissed off. Excuse me.

I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.'

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

Comedy is not pretty.

I'm aging, and the world is seeing it.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'