Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 681
Ladies, you got to look for a man like you look for a job. Do you research. Run a credit check on ‘em. Meet his baby’s mamas. You don’t just drive him to the methadone clinic. Go inside! Meet the people!
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?
One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.
You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain - and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.
I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn`t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.
At the time I had a basic setup, basic cable if you will.He had the holy shit premier package.
If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.
Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.
The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
Primarily I’ve gathered you here this evening to tell you this: that it’s not easy being British, as Kermit so nearly sang. The reason being, it is impossible for me as a British citizen to go into any museum in any nation on the planet Earth without, within five minutes, starting to feel guilty. You have no idea what that feels like. You will. Oh, You will.