Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 681

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

Of course the OC stands for: only Caucasian.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I was having a great day until I woke up.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.

When you're 18, you meet somebody, and 15 seconds later, you're like, 'I love you... I love you! Is that your roommate? She's hot.'

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!