Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 679
A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
No parent must ever say, "Get the kids out of here, I'm trying to watch TV." The father who does start saying this is likely to see one of his children on the 6:00 news.
There’s the members of the new partnership: Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico, and Dummo.
You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.