Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 7
I, ah... this abortion issue in the States is dividing the country right in half. You know, and even amongst my friends - we're all highly intelligent - they're totally divided on the issue of abortion. Totally divided. Some of my friends think these pro-life people are just annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we gonna have a consensus? I'm torn. I try and take the broad view and think of them as evil, annoying fucks.
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like... every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.
To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.
53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it’s a nightmare! It’s not a fucking present, it’s not a prize, it’s a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I’m a slut man!
I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.
All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicious; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken!
Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
I was at the gym the other day working out with my buddy. My buddy Joey. And he goes "hey, man, I'm getting a divorce." I said "Wow, that sucks. Can you spot me?" That was our whole conversation! So then I go home to my wife, and I say "Hey, Joey is getting a divorce." She goes "Oh, my God! What happened?" "I dunno." "What do you mean you don't know? Is she cheating on him, is he cheating on her?" "Again, I'm not holding anything back here, I don't know!" She goes "Bill, someone tells you they're getting a divorce and you don't ask any questions?" And I go "Well, that's because he didn't ask me a question! He didn't say 'hey Bill, what do you think about me getting a divorce?', he said, 'I'm getting a divorce', which said to me, 'I require no further input on your part.'" If he had said 'What do you think about me getting a divorce?', I'd have said, 'Well, you're gonna be dating again, so you should work on your abs'.
Do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you're a corporate whore and eh, end of story.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant, let me tell ya'. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever eve. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. I said, "Hey, when's that baby due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that baby due? Baby!" "What baby?" "Uhhh... at the zoo, the pandas. I knew they were havin' one just thought maybe we could talk about it, if you want." Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "Ma'am" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!"