Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 7
Women can do anything men can do… except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny on purpose, reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong, I love women, I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain.
Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog... The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, "Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here."
Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or something: "Oh God, where'd you learn that, oh," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
We should just have an orgy right here, right now. Let's just fucking turn off the lights and everybody just feel around. Le's just turn off the lights and play a game called Who's In My Mouth? Did you just say, "careful?" What are you, like my lifeguard? "Careful! Careful, Dane! What, are you spotting my jokes? Careful... careful..."
You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!.
When I read things like "the foundations of capitalism are shattering," I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. Because everything is amazing right now and nobody's happy... In my lifetime, the changes in the world have been incredible. Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of just spoiled idiots that don't care, because this what people are like now. They've got their phone and they're like "Uh, it won't" Give it a second! It's going to space! Can you give it a second to get back from space? Is the speed of light too slow for you?
The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, "Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!" Once you put that helmet on them, "You're in the luge, buddy!" "aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA...aaaAAAAA..." World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.
Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.
You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.
The hard part was being the kid that got sent in first to calm Mom down before you dragged in the actual banged up brother. So you'd have to run in, 'Hey, Mom, everything's fine. I just wanted to run in at full speed and say hi. And OK, so, you know Kevin? Of course. Well, you know how his right arm - usually it would bend like that? It's not bending like that right now. And it's no big deal because we already looked at it. But we were thinking, since you said that you had to go get milk later anyway, then we were all thinking if, when you go, you just might want to take him to the hospital? And if you get peanut butter, get smooth.'
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?