Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 706
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.
I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
You never know when you'll come upon something and it's going to be fodder for new material.
“So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'”
I kind of do it in my head, then I'll try pieces of it on stage and if it looks promising, I'll put it together.
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!