Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 706
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.
It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
“You need to come deer hunting! It’s a man’s sport!” I just think in order to be called a sport both teams need to know there’s a game going on.
Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great.
I can sit all day in a comfortable chair and watch ball games, but I don't need a blanket.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
I had anxiety for so long. I went to a psychiatrist… “I’m constantly anxious. What do I do?” He told me I had obsessive compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him, like, nine time to make sure he was certain.
I'm almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you're just taken out of that realm. So it's not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all.