Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 706
Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
It's just such a gross business. I see why people get eaten from the inside out. Even when it's going well it's hard to deal with.
Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time. On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?
Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night - the question is, "Is this show still on?"
With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."