Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 705
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, "I will not live in a house with a Little John." Never got a dinner!
If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
So that this thing that aired in 1963 would result a few years later in personal bankruptcy, would result in having people be on edge with me, wondering when I'm going to blow up.
He's just always positive. He's always smiling and he's always trying.
You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.
I'm getting drunk, watching Sabrina and wondering if 9:30 is too early to go to bed.
Comedy, such a lovely lady, she'll pick you up, you your feeling blue.
The truth is I feel bad about calling you a whore. I don't know anything about your personal life; my judgment was based on nothing more than a general whorish vibe you give off.<br /> <br /> You look like you'd screw any squirrel that came your way. You look like you'd even screw the knothole in that tree where you live. But this is all speculation on my part, based on nothing more than your aforementioned whorish vibe and sleazy demeanor. Maybe I'm wrong about you. If so, I apologize.<br /> <br /> But I really don't think I am.
You know what's so weird, why does this happen? This is a weird thing... phenomena. Alright. Sometimes guys, you're having sex right, and everything's going great, everything's, you know, NEAUNNNNEEEEEAAAUUU, right? When all of a sudden, there's a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say shit. Like, "Yeah, say that, say that, it's perfect. Say that right now," right? So you're like, "Yeah, fucking say that," and you just grab her hair and you whisper, "Eeeyeaa," and you don't think about it, you just say it . "Yeaaah, fucking say things. You hear what I say? You like that, huh?"