Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 705
These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
I looked at game show hosting as the bottom of the totem pole, one step away from infomercials. I never watched them myself. However, it's been a lot of fun. We try out new things and keep a lot of the classic elements people remember. I enjoy getting to know new people and seeing them win.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.
I couldn’t get a date the entire freshman year of college. The whole year I spend… well, they call it stalking now. But I call it getting to know you.