Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 705
I kind of do it in my head, then I'll try pieces of it on stage and if it looks promising, I'll put it together.
A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.
Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.
You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion, and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there's gonna be some child fucking going on.
Doctors — they like auto mechanics. You go in get one thing seen, they want to look at other stuff. I went to a doctor for a twisted ankle, came out with diabetes. I was mad as hell.
I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.